


Philip Kramer's No Good, Horrible Rest of His Life

by raventree



Category: White Collar
Genre: Gen, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-28
Updated: 2012-06-28
Packaged: 2017-11-08 18:07:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/445992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raventree/pseuds/raventree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Schadenfreude: noun, German </p>
<p>                                    Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>http://www.thefreedictionary.com/schadenfreude</p>
            </blockquote>





	Philip Kramer's No Good, Horrible Rest of His Life

**Author's Note:**

> White Collar is the property of Jeff Eastin and USA Network  
> Written for the whitecollarhc Whump-a-Palooza  
> Thanks to dmkoo64 for acting as soundboard and beta

 

It starts the day Caffrey flees New York, when the rich dame Ellington pours steaming coffee in his lap. She claims it’s an accident, nerves and worry over Caffrey, claims he stood too close and startled her. But she’d made her disdain for Philip obvious the moment he’d stepped foot in her house, a hostile witness at best. The doctor in the Emergency Department couldn’t keep the smirk off her face while examining his second degree burns. The painkillers make him feel loopy and he can't remember anything between getting back to his hotel and waking up in the morning. When he arrives at the White Collar Unit the next day, Jones has to restrain Barrigan from attacking him. Apparently he’d made several inappropriate phone calls while high. Barrigan’s girl friend had saved one, letting the message service take it. There was mention of his ‘red hot dick’.  
  
He flies back earlier than planned. There’s a mix up with his ticket and he spends the flight squashed between a screaming, snotty four year old and a man in a muumuu. His luggage goes to Aruba. His taxi ride turns in to a $300 fare. He gets home to find his car missing from the driveway, the power, water and phone disconnected, his alarm turned off. A tree in the backyard had fallen through an upstairs window. A stray cat had kittens on his bed and refuses to move. He’s run out of medicine for his cat allergy. His office is mercifully free of cat hair, but also lacks a bed.  
  
Philip’s week doesn’t get any better. Nor does his month, or his year. It takes three weeks to sort out his utilities. The glazier replaces the wrong window. In July, the IRS audits him. In August, a systems update finds furry bondage porn on his computer. Philip is exonerated, but his boss sends him on stress leave. He goes to Paris. It rains the entire week, he sprains his ankle and the airline sends his luggage to sunny Aruba again. In September, his new car breaks down. He forgets to stock up for Halloween and the neighbourhood kids TP his house. In January, he slips on the footpath in front of his house and breaks his coccyx. His conviction rate plummets, his insurance premiums goes through the roof. His credit card keeps cancelling itself. A stubbed toe turns out to be broken in two places. He develops an allergy to wool and has to replace most of his work suits. He tries to drink his worries away one night and gets an embarrassing tattoo in an embarrassing place. The postman has to push his letters under the front door, because his mailbox is constantly filled with fliers for out of state dentists.  He can’t open a book without getting a paper cut.  
   
Philip dreams, almost every night, of what could have been. Of how life would have been if he’d never gone after Neal Caffrey. It just makes it worse. Knowing how good it should have been, if arrogance and greed hadn’t got the better of him. Knowing it was his own damned fault.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Mwahahahaha.


End file.
